I know you were too busy in third grade picking your nose and doodling crude stick-figure breasts on your PeeChee to have paid attention to the basics of your own goddamned language, and you're probably too busy masturbating to World of Warcraft porn to pay attention now, but what the fuck, I'll give it a shot anyway.

The right time to use "to" - I am going to kill you.
The right time to use "too" - You are too stupid to function.
The right time to use "two" - You have two seconds to live.

The right time to use "there" - There is a gun over there.
The right time to use "their" - I'm going to shoot them in their faces.
The right time to use "they're" - They're going to get what's coming to them.

The right time to use "your" - Your stupidity had earned you a spot against the wall.
The right time to use "you're" - Don't worry, you're not going to feel a thing.

The right time to use "than" - You have less brain cells than a miniature squid.
The right time to use "then" - If your mother dropped you on the head several times when you were a baby, then that would explain it.

For fuck's sake, it's not rocket science. The worst part? I see journalists get this shit wrong all the time, too. It makes me want to gouge out their eyes with a rusty fork, then chop off all their fingers and shove them in the empty eye sockets so they can never inflict their horrible writing on the world again.

A. S. K.

aaa-ssss-kkk.

Not aks.

I hate clueless professors that haven't a clue about the field in which they teach. If they're a CS prof, you'd think that they'd have at least a bare minimum of understanding of basic computer security, internet security, and general best practices. Instead, they have short passwords, no clue, and then blame us sysadmins for their abject ignorance.

What's worse is that this particular one accused my co-worker and myself of knowing his password and then posting it online. We use Kerberos! We couldn't get his password if we wanted to! Besides, doing so would've been unethical and completely pointless. He accused us of a federal felony to our faces, simply because he's too stupid to understand basic computing.

Worse, his breath smells like rotting roadkill at 6 feet. Fucker's gonna write me an apology, or he's gonna catch hell.

this is bull shit. everyone is jumping on the "if people didn't borrow money they couldn't pay back, we wouldn't be in this mess!" bandwagon how many people do you know that were thinking "I'll just live in this house until the bank comes for it." no one i know. if the job market wasn't in the shiter this wouldn't have happened. people get gouged all the time by big corporations and are OK with it; insurance, medical treatment, retirement plans. we have been used to getting dicked around for years, this wouldn't have been any different if we had jobs and could afford to pay out the nose for our living expenses. nobody in the news is making enough of the direct correlation of crappy job market, real estate bubble, and the accountability of the party in power.

But you're still a fucking coward. Eat your own dick, I got your momma to eat mine. Go back to school and learn how to sign your name. Happy late Thanksgiving, cocksmoker.

Eat a dick.

Fucking coward.

I hate this color scheme

Coldplay, how do I hate thee? Let me count the ways.

Actually, I'm too lazy for that. Let me say instead that your music is the most emasculated, emotionless tripe since Matchbox 20.

Seriously, what emotion is any one of your songs supposed to evoke? I listen to your music, and it sounds like something someone would write after reading about adrenaline and endorphins in a dictionary. Your songs are the musical equivalent of a puppy the day after its nuts have been cut off - they limp around, confused and without a drop of testosterone.

I guess that's only appropriate, given that your singing sounds like you're a goddamned castrati anyhow. Comparing your voice to nails on a chalkboard is a slander against chalkboards and nails. You sound like someone decided to fuck a cat in the ass with a Wonder Woman action figure.

Coldplay, you know how I know you're gay? Because you ARE Coldplay.

once again G.W.Bush has shown his absolute distaste for the majority of American people and gone out of his way to rob us blind. with this second bail out of AIG, the trillions of dollars of debt left on our backs is a finial bitch slap on his way out of the door.

why didn't he invest that money in the nations infrastructure, that would create jobs for people most affected in this crises. those people could then support their local economy, which in turn would be a community paying its fucking mortgage. so the money would have still have made it to the top, but it would have just filtered up through struggling families.

i would have liked to see the viaduct in Seattle fixed. light rail installed in most major cities. work towards making America stronger in the long run rather than support a failed business model.

i hope bush's secret service detail does an equally crappy jobs protecting him as he has done protecting the American economy.

i think religion should be privatized. give "god" to an individual groups as intellectual property, to be defended as such. that way any extremists that do anything radical can claim they did it in the name of what ever god they want because they will face law suit.
no more "godhatesfags . com" because the asshole that created that site would have to apply with the Vatican to use "god" in the title, or face a hefty legal battle.
no more car bombings in the name of Muslim god because they would be prevented from announcing it publicly, they would have to say "the denounced party that claimed ..." or face libel suits.
basically, if religion is allowed to influence law, i think law should be allowed to influence religion.

that and i would like to see the Mormons and the Catholics duke it out for the christian god rights.

Hey, wingnuts! Why is it that all of science is awesome and totally worth teaching and accepting EXCEPT evolution and cosmology? The physics that make your toaster, microwave, and hi-def TV possible are totally killer, and the biology that makes sure little Johnny doesn't have to die of the measles is superbad, but as soon as someone tells you the Book of Genesis is totally full of shit, suddenly OMFG SCIENCE IS TEH ENEMY!!!!!11

Which theory is more elegant, which theory gives us a better idea of where we stand in regard to the Universe, which theory gives us a better chance of understanding the world around us:

"The universe came into being after the breakdown and subsequent hyperinflation of a supermassive singularity. Millions of years later, the first stars formed. Billions of years later came stars with planets around them. On some of those planets, life arose. On one particular planet revolving around a little-regarded yellow dwarf star in the backwater of the galaxy, that life, over billions of years of years, evolved from a primordial sludge into a vast, planetwide ecosystem. Some of the creatures on this little blue planet even eventually developed traits which might almost be regarded as intelligence."

or

"God did it."

You incurious fucks need to keep your goddamned paws off my textbooks and your ideals out of my classrooms. You want to teach about immortal sky wizards, talking snakes, women springing from men's ribs, and the uncomfortable idea of all humankind being descended from intense inbreeding? You want Jesus riding bareback on a tame velociraptor right before the Flood wiped out the dinosaurs? Fine. Teach it on Sunday fucking morning. Leave the rest of the week's education to qualified professionals, you twats.

Those who can't tell the difference between an OP-ED piece and a campaign speech. Holy fuck. I'm not trying to convince you, I'm stating my opinion.

she was not going in for an abortion, but if she was she still doesn't need to be harassed by a bunch of wastes of life like you. she just wanted affordable birth control. anyway how many adopted children do you have? what have you done to help a working mom lately? you don't make the world a better place you just waste O2 and paper. i wish you both were aborted.

If you're going to buy a container to make Iced Tea in why buy weak plastic? You need boiling water to make iced tea- especially when you live in a place that doesn't get a lot of sun.

Please go eat my shit, Mr. Nardelli. Address these rumors or do something, because the entire automotive community is wondering what the fuck you're doing up there. Are you going to stick to your five year plan, are you going to sell to GM, or are you going to have Nissan invest in the company? Chrysler is an iconic American brand with years of history, and we're watching as you bend it over and rape it after the corpse has been gangbanged by Daimler for the last eight years.

Step down and let Jim Press do the hard work before you destroy the brand entirely.

You're next. What are you pedestrian or vehicle? You decide because you can't have it both ways. I swear if you whip by one more time I am going to arm bar you off your bloody bike. I am going to laugh in your face.

If you think you're a car then the next time you sneak up in traffic I am going to open my door and watch you slam into it. I will then laugh in your face.

Lock n' Load assholes.

You know who you are. You're the douchebag in his mother's basement with nothing better to do than sow chaos everywhere you go on the internet.

You think this makes you charming and/or rebellious. You think anarchy is, like, totally punk rawk. You think you're doing the world a favor by spreading bullshit over forums the way others spread jam over toast.

Lean in close, you diseased little shits, and I'll let you in on a secret: you're not the fucking Joker. Not Heath Ledger's version, not Jack Nicholsen's version, not even the fucking Cesar Romero version from the sixties.

And you want to know why?

Because on at least some level, all versions of the Joker are entertaining. They make us laugh, or they make us feel a stab in our adrenal glands, a spike that almost might be fear.

You don't do either of those things, because you're a worthless goddamned teenager in a doughy body bloated with Cheetos and Mountain Dew.

Stop inflicting your fourth-rate Elbonian wannabe humor on the rest of us, you fucking turd. Keep your randomness and chaos to yourself: grab a revolver, put a single bullet in one chamber, and see how much randomness and chaos you can generate all by yourself.

Addendum: your mom doesn't love you, either. She told me so last night.

You say you do dishes when you notice there are no cups left. Well it's been at least two days since we've had clean cups or for that matter forks, spoons, knives, or plates.

If I wasn't a gimp I'd do them for you, but I can't. Please for the love of god, wash the dishes so I can make food!

Senator McCain, I hate that your ads are running on my site. You're a sellout, a liar, and a cheat. You used to be a reasonably respectable guy, too. What happened?

Oh, right. You want to be the president at any cost.